thoughts on motherhood

I have so much to catch up on like Knox's perfectly sweet blessing and our trip to San Diego but that will have to wait because tonight all I want to write about is my sweet little Knox.  Tonight I held my sleeping baby in my arms and my heart almost burst because it was so full.  He looked so peaceful and so perfect and I was reminded how blessed I am to be a mom.  It is hard and it is tiring but every time I see little Knoxy smile, or hear him coo, or watch him sleep peacefully in his bed at the end of every day I melt a little bit and I realize that there is nothing else I would rather do.  I love everything about my little boy. 

I love his bald little head and his blonde eye brows and eye lashes.

I love how he rarely cries but rather lets out yells and loud grunts every now and again to let us know he is not happy with us.

I love how much he loves to snuggle with us and be close to us.

 

I love how he kicks his legs and swings his arms when he gets excited.

How cute is that Ragnar onesie? Courtesy of Peggy Jensen

I love his dimples.

I love how he not only smiles when he dreams but also belly laughs.  He has done it from birth and it is my favorite thing.  I think he is dreaming about heaven and laughing with all his friends.

I love how much he loves baths.

Whose child just falls asleep in the bathtub??

I love his round cheeks and his chin that looks so much like his dads.

I love how he loves to hold my finger in his hands whenever I hold him.

I love how much he loves his binky and that it can almost always calm him down when he cries.

I love his big blue eyes and how intently he focuses on things like he understands them and has wisdom beyond his years.

I love his perfectly soft skin and how good it smells after a bath.

I love that he has the sweetest spirit I've ever met. 

But mostly tonight I just love that he is ours. Forever.

1 month

It's hard to believe that our sweet little man has already been in our lives for a month.  He has been such a blessing and he makes us so happy.  He is the most peaceful baby and brings such a sweet spirit into our home.  I've heard it said before, but it's true when people say that being a mom is the hardest and most wonderful thing that can be done.  I have never been so tired but every time I look in little Knox's face it becomes so worth it and I remember how incredibly lucky I am to be his mom.

Watching my sweet husband be a dad has been so wonderful and has made me fall even more in love with him.  He is so patient with Knox and with me.  He is always offering to get up with Knox in the night and asking what he can do for me.  He keeps our house so clean, does our laundry, and helps make meals all while completing his last year of law school and prepping for the bar exam.  I feel so grateful to have such a good man as my husband. He really does it all.

I am starting to settle in to my new role as a mommy.  I am fairly certain that as soon as you have a child you suddenly become able to function on about 5 hours less sleep, you can carry 19 different things at once, you lose all sense of modesty (ex: walking out in my garment top while trying on clothes at the mall the other day.  Luckily I realized before anyone saw...I think), and things that once grossed you out now don't (ex: my sweet baby peed in my eye the other day while changing his diaper and it just made me laugh.) And as soon as you become a mom all the things that once seemed so big suddenly seem so small and the small things become the big things.  Like when your baby smiles in his sleep, when he stares at your face so intently while you talk to him, when he falls asleep on your chest and you don't feel the need to move for hours because you don't want him to wake up, and when you go in and see your baby sleeping so peacefully in his crib and realize he's perfect and being a mom is the best job in the world.

Blake and I try to take care of Knox and go to school but we really couldn't do it without a lot of help.  My mom comes down twice a week and sleeps over and watches Knox while we're in class the next morning.  We are SO grateful.  We love having her in our house and it would be incredibly difficult to finish school without her.  Blake's mom came and stayed with us for a few days and she was so wonderful.  She is so helpful and seriously the woman does it all.  She cooked for us, cleaned for us, tailored Blake's shirts, and just made our house a little brighter for a few days. We love having her around and wish she lived closer.  Blake's siblings come over and watch Knox at least once a week so I can go to class without the little bug.  It is so hard to leave Knox but it makes it easier knowing that he is in such good hands. Everyone is so generous and helpful and we are so thankful.

Our little life is pretty close to perfect right now.  Blake and I lay in bed at nights after we put Knox down and talk about how much we love our baby and how much he has made our life so much better.  We realized that we don't ever want to be 2 again because 3 is so much better than 2.  We feel so grateful for our little man.  He is the most content baby ever and is truly our greatest gift.  All I have ever wanted in life is to be a mom and a wife and I am living my dream with the two most handsome boys in the world.  I am one lucky lady.

Here is a glimpse into our life with baby.

 This is how homework gets done now.

 Such a sweetheart.

We took Knox to the car show when he was two weeks old.  We want him to know what's really important from a young age....

 We think he is the most handsome baby in the world. His eyes are turning more and more blue everyday.

Auntie Jennae came to visit and we loved it. 

 Our little family of three.

We love having Grandma Tengberg in town. 

the end of it all.

When I look back on my pregnancy I think about how incredible it was. Instead of remembering how uncomfortable I was, usually I just remember how magical it felt when Knox kicked me, how special it was when Blake and I would lay in bed together and talk to Knox through my belly telling him how excited we were to meet him, and how fun it was waking up every day thinking that maybe that would be the day we would meet our son.  But then I look at the pictures of me the last two weeks of my pregnancy and I remember why I cried every few days due to discomfort, why people laughed when I waddled my pregnant body everywhere I went, and why I never slept. This aren't my finest moments but they need to be documented for memories sake.  So, for your viewing pleasure, here is Mari the cow (literally).

36 weeks

37 weeks--Full term

Oh what? No one else takes pictures of themselves at 37 weeks wearing cow pajamas?

I am extremely glad that I now get to hold Knox in my arms instead of my belly.  Here's to one pregnancy being done with a few more to go.  

Our little miracle

On December 31st at 12:39 a.m., we welcomed Knox Van Tengberg into the world and into our lives.  He nearly broke the scales at a hefty 6 lbs 7 oz 18 inches long.  He is perfect in every way.  He has already changed our lives more than we thought possible and I already love him more than I ever dreamed.  He is the sweetest, most calm, and relaxed baby and I feel privileged to be his mama.

After a long (8 week) labor of sorts, I was more than ready to have our little boy join us.  Once finals ended for both Blake and I we felt content knowing that if our baby came we would be ready.  As soon as I reached 37 weeks I was ready to do everything in my power to get him OUT!  Unfortunately, nothing seemed to be working.  Ironic right? I went to the doctors on the 28th of December and I was dilated to a 3.  The doctor worked his magic and said he hoped we would be back within the next 12-24 hours because I would be in labor.  NOPE.  I woke up at 2:00 that night sobbing because I wasn't in labor and I was pretty sure I was going to die if I had to walk around for one more day with our baby inside me.  Blake hugged me and talked to me and told me it was OK to be sad then but once morning came we just had to be happy and know that our baby just needed a little more time to cook.  (I seriously have the best husband.) So, cry I did, and then when I woke up we moved on.  We packed up all the Brostrom boys and headed to the zoo for a wonderful day.  I walked and walked and walked and I had so many contractions I wanted to tip over at times but still no baby.

The next day I woke up and I felt like perhaps my water had broke.  I called the doctors office and talked to a nurse and she said to go into the hospital to have them check and to monitor the baby because it sounded like I was going into labor.  Blake and I had heard this so many times that we weren't overly concerned.  We packed a few things up and drove down to American Fork.  It was the least stressful drive to the hospital we'd ever had.  I wasn't expecting any miracles because every time I did I just got let down.  I went in and got all hooked up to monitors and the nurse checked to make sure my water hadn't broken.  It hadn't broken but the baby was already at a 1 station and I was dilated to a 4.  The doctor said they could release me but the nurse was certain that I would be back before the end of her shift in labor and ready to have our sweet baby.  So, Blake and I drove to the mall and walked from one end to the other a thousand times and when we got tired of that we walked around the outside of it a few more times.  Then we went to our house where I sat on our exercise ball and bounced for a while.  I couldn't tell if I was in labor or not so we decided to stop by the hospital one more time on our way back to Farmington to have them check.

Finally, the news I had been waiting for....I was dilated to a 5 and they could check me in!  It felt like a dream.  I remember walking down the hall to our room feeling like this couldn't be real.  After everything we had been through, we were going to get to hold our baby boy that night!!  They got me in, hooked me up to an IV, started me on pitocin, and broke my water.  After a few hours and a few too many painful contractions I felt ready for an epidural.  Once I received the epidural the night was as peaceful as could be.  Blake and I just laid in our room and talked and soaked up our last few minutes as a family of two.  We both talked about how peaceful it felt.  I had always heard horror stories about labor and this couldn't have been any more different.  I have the best memories of that night. My sweet husband rubbed my back (which I could only moderately feel), rubbed my head, rubbed my feet, talked to me, got me lots of jello and popsicles, and let me squeeze his hand so tight when I had big contractions.  He couldn't have treated me any better.  We had the best nurse who was so sweet and so attentive.  The doctor that I had been seeing since 30 weeks wasn't the on call doctor that day but he was so sweet and said he would come in anyway and deliver my baby. I was SO grateful. It took me forever to get from a 5 to a 6 but only about 20 minutes to go from a 6 to a 10.  Finally around 12:20 on December 31st, they decided I was ready to push.  Everything went as perfect as could be and 19 minutes later I was holding my angel in my arms.  He came out screaming and peeing EVERYWHERE.  Literally, the kid came out peeing.  My doctor thought that was hilarious and quickly flipped him so that he could pee all over Blake.  The nurses were dying saying they had never seen that before.  He was so healthy and got a 10 APGAR score.

It was a long night with very little sleep but one that I will remember forever and will always be one of my greatest memories.  After a lot of stress and sleepless nights, I finally had my two sweet, happy, and healthy boys right next to me and I could not have been happier.  I feel so blessed to be a mom and I love every second of it.  So, without further ado, meet Knox.

In labor and so ready to have the little man!!

6 lbs 7 oz and so healthy

Meeting my sweet boy for the first time.

Just a few minutes old

Perfect feet

Burrito baby

He loves his dad SO much

Such a sweet angel baby.

some christmas miracles

Today is a BIG day. First,I took my last final.  It was no small miracle.  Pre-term labor, bed rest, and hospital stays weren't conducive to being a full time student but I am happy to say that I DID IT.  4 finals are all that stand between me and a college diploma.  


Second, I am officially 8 months today.  Meaning in a little over a week I will officially be full term.  I am so proud of my little boy for hanging on as hard as he could even when my body wanted him out.  He is so tough and I already love him so much.  I've also officially reached elephant status.  


Exhibit A:

And last but certainly not least, my sweet husband took his second to last final today and he only has one more tomorrow.  This has probably been a harder semester for Blake than for me and he has fought through it.  He works SO hard and always pushes himself to do his very best even if that means waking up at 5 a.m. every day so he can have as much time at the library as possible.  He really is the greatest husband and I am so lucky to be his wife.  Now, all he has to do is complete one more semester, take a few finals, and pass a super easy test they call the "bar exam" and he'll be a real life lawyer.  I've always wanted one of those. 


As you can see, it really is the season for miracles.  

showered with love

My ridiculously talented sister-in-law threw me the most beautiful baby shower that has ever been. Jamie doesn't do anything half way and this was no exception.

This was the beautiful spread. Jamie made it look stunning. She made literally dozens of DELICIOUS cake pops. (I ate at least a dozen...for the baby.) She made THIS big beautiful cake. 

And look at the inside of it.  This girl does everything!

She sent the bottom layer home with me and Blake and we snacked on it for a good week. That cake was also for the baby. He LOVES cake. It honestly tasted as good as it looks. 

Jamie cut out literally hundreds of clouds to string across tables and to set perfectly on the straws. It all went along perfectly with the theme of a shower.  


And of course I was spoiled rotten and showered with gifts.  We got our stroller and car seat, diaper bag, dozens of darling and perfectly hand crafted quilts, and a lot of SHOES.  This kid has a better shoe collection than me.  Here is a little peak at one of my favorite pairs courtesy of my mother-in-law. 

  It was a perfectly lovely day and I felt incredibly blessed to be surrounded by all the people I love the very most.  Knox is going to be one loved and spoiled little boy and I am one spoiled mama.

32 weeks

Whew! We have successfully made it to 32 weeks.  There have been several moments in the past two weeks when I questioned whether or not we would.  I have spent several days and nights in the hospital hooked up to monitors and getting all kinds of shots and medicine in an attempt to stop pre-term labor and to keep our baby from getting here too soon. Everything is looking OK right now and baby boy looks just as healthy as can be.  He is even measuring a little big and boy oh boy is he a mover.  I'm just trying to be so careful and take it easy so we can at least make it 34 weeks. I have contractions all day every day but it's so worth it because I know at the end of this I get a beautiful little boy.  After 34 weeks they won't stop labor so I suppose we could potentially have our baby here much sooner than we thought.  We are starting to wrap our brains around that and we are getting so excited to meet this little person that I've been cooking for so long.  We feel so blessed to be this little boys parents.

The past two weeks have been some of the longest and probably the most stressful of my life.  I simply would not have made it through without the help and support of so many. I feel so grateful right now for all the love that Blake and I received through this all.  

I am so thankful for my husband who almost never left my side for a good six days.  He stayed home with me and made all our meals. He rubbed my back when it would ache and I would have contractions.  He would hold heat pads on my back and then ice if that felt better.  He watched hours of TV with me and would tell me everything would be OK when I started stressing that I wasn't doing enough.  He worked tirelessly on school even though he couldn't go.  He comforted me every time I got to stressed or sad and he made me laugh so much.  His birthday was November 9th and I couldn't do one thing for it and he didn't care.  We just sat together and hung out and he lied and told me it was a great birthday and I believed him because I was so tired but now I know it was the worst birthday ever.  He was so strong when I wasn't.  When I had to go back in the hospital for a few nights he spent every night right next to my bed holding my hand.  He didn't sleep much but he never complained and would get up early every day to go back to school.  He has been my greatest support through this whole ordeal.  

I am so grateful for my sister Nina who, even though she has four kids, dropped everything several times to do stuff for us.  She sat in the hospital with us for hours on end even though I know she was exhausted.  She brought Blake funfetti cupcakes on his birthday cause I couldn't make a cake.  She brought us movies and TV shows to watch to help pass the time.  She was there every time I had a concern or a panic and she would talk to me about it and tell me it was normal and OK.  

I am grateful for my brother Dan who drove down on Tuesday to sit in the hospital with me and made me feel secure that should that baby come that day he would still be OK.  He made me laugh and feel calm.  I know Dan was tired because he had been out of town and had flown in late the night before but still he came and it meant so much to me.

I am grateful for my parents.  They were in Europe but they still called every couple of hours to make sure things were OK.  I am sure they spent hundreds of dollars making those phone calls but they didn't care.  Then, the minute my mom got home she came down and stocked our kitchen full of food, cleaned our house, washed all our towels and sheets, and just sat with me so that Blake could go to school.  It meant so much to me because she knew what I needed without me asking.  When I went back in to the hospital Wednesday she was down here in a matter of hours and she sat with me all day long and got me everything I needed because I couldn't move.  Blake and I really would not have been able to get through it without her.  

I am so grateful for my sweet in-laws who were willing to drop everything to fly out and be here with Blake and I if we needed it.  They were always calling and were so concerned.  Blake and I were supposed to fly to San Diego to spend Thanksgiving with them but now we can't and they have been so sweet and understanding about it.  My mother in law even bought tickets to come stay with us for a few days after Thanksgiving to help us out.  They are so supportive and we felt their love every day all the way from California.

I am so grateful for our wonderful friends who called frequently to make sure we were OK and to see if we needed anything.  Our sweet friends Marshall and Lisa even brought us stuff for Blake's birthday and brought me beautiful flowers. They also came and visited us every night in the hospital and helped raise my spirits and brought some new life to our boring hospital room.  All of our friends are busy and they didn't have to do one thing for us but they were so kind and made such an effort and it meant the world to both Blake and I.  We would sit and talk about how blessed we are to be surrounded by such good people.

I am so grateful for my doctor.  The day I went in was the first time I had ever met him because they do a rotating system at my office.  He delivered my sisters last two babies and he is the greatest guy.  He was so on the ball and checked on me at the hospital several times then called me later in the night.  When I went back he dealt with me again and he has seen me every time I've gone to the office since.  He is so funny and makes me feel like everything is going to be OK.  He even got me a handicap parking pass so that I didn't have to walk so much at school and suggested I get a jazzy and a padded helmet to go with it. HA! On that same note we had the best nurses who were so sweet and helpful and helped us feel relaxed in the midst of a stressful situation. 

This list could go on and on.  I'm grateful for my brother Brandt who called and texted every few hours from California to see if I was OK.  For Blake's siblings who called and came and visited and would sit with us and make us laugh.  For all the people who brought us treats and sent us nice texts and messages.  For all my teachers for being understanding and allowing me to make up tests and missed points.  Really we have been blessed in every way imaginable the past few days. 

So while the past week hasn't been easy and it has been scary I wouldn't undo it because it has shown me just how blessed I am.  When it comes time to go around the dinner table this Thanksgiving and say what we're thankful for I will have a long, long list.  I have so much to be grateful for.  

And now just for the sake of recording it here are the belly pictures for the past while! I'm getting enormous.  

27 weeks.  I loathe this picture.  I'm actually carrying the baby in my cheeks here. 

28 Weeks

29 weeks                                                                             30 weeks

31 weeks

And finally 32 weeks

We're getting so close!!

Also, we're going private so please post your e-mail address if you'd like an invite!